Romantic Renaissance

Was going through my hard drive and I found an old article of mine, written at a time less pretty than usual. It's still incomplete, nor is there any intention of finishing it. A masochistic trip down memory lane. Enjoy.

Romantic Renaissance
A call for the overhaul of modern romantic worldview

Some call me a die-hard cynic; others, a chronic pessimist. Personally, I prefer the endearment ‘realist’. Sure, not everything that is ‘real’ is negative, but everyone is so busy being trapped in their euphoric bubbles that I take the crow’s nest and keep a look out for everything else. Incurring judgment is an integral part of the job description. Messiah – Prince of Darkness, Prophet – Harbinger of Doom, Savior – Reaper’s Scythe: the thin line of perspective is all that separates a symbol from its antithesis.

‘Love’. Probably one of the most undefined concepts in the English language, and yet so overused by Hallmark cards and Hollywood cinema. But they alone are not guilty of this. The bug has passed on to society (as do many things which eventually become so widespread and run so deep into the ground that they become, dare I say it, clichéd). Lubricous adolescents lay claim to it the moment they see their new 9^th grade French teacher glide into class. Lace-clad maidens swoon to it when their stately knight canters in on his mighty steed. Love has degraded itself to a mere scapegoat for people to behave beneath their ‘normal’ ethical values and accept sub-par relationship standards. I have seen friends be in long term relationships because they were ‘comfortable’ in it. I’m comfortable in my television room’s bean bag, it doesn’t mean I’m planning to go on one knee dedicate any part of my anatomy other than my buttocks to it any time soon. Frustration that my friends are selling themselves short, frustration that they may be wasting their significant other’s time, all ends up being quelled by the fact that comfort may be good enough for them and me projecting my romantic checklist onto others is narrow mindedly elitist.

But there is always the calm before the storm. They will then tell me of a certain someone who gets their blood-pumping, heart-racing and other hackneyed two-word expressions which pretty much say the same thing. I ask why they don’t pursue a relationship like that or why isn’t the on-your-toes factor important enough to be an aspect in selecting a relationship. The answer always results in me slipping back into my contemplative shell; “but I’m happy enough where I am”, “I don’t want to hurt him/her”, “what if it doesn’t work out, I’m scared to be alone”. I put forth the following questions for you to ruminate over. Why are you in your current relationship? What do you look for in one? Deep within yourself, do you long for something more? If so, why are you still there? What is the meaning of love? The reason I pose these questions to you now is because the rest of this article will get you started on the journey to find the answers if you have none, and question the answers you do have. For life is an iterative process and those who cease to question themselves and their environment cease to desire to improve.

With modern-day media and its penetration levels into society, romantic stereotypes have spread so rapidly that I doubt people realize they have succumbed to them. The incessant craving for being ‘hooked up’ is a prime example of this. Stereotypes, when adopted in one’s life, are not only a sign of a lack of self-identity, but are inherently limiting to one’s potential in a real relationship. Stereotypes don’t provide the flexibility to cater the nuances of its followers.

Some people define themselves based on the relationships they are in. Extrinsically, the comparatively innocent, “if you don’t have a significant other, you suck” is usually a self-proclamation of one’s position in society’s ladder. A far more sinister form of this is when one intrinsically values oneself based on their relationship status. This usually stems from a primordial sense of low self-worth and is compensated for through external sources. Relationships are a prime hunting ground since they are a much more fulfilling gauging system than, say, financial success. The problem is sometimes ‘suitable compensation’ can’t be obtained from one source. Its not that I decry polygamy, but in situations like this it is rarely consensual. If each of the partners is convinced that they are ‘the one’ it makes each relationship seem that much more fulfilling. It may sound far fetched, but it happens.

Don’t let these stereotypes or insecurities cloud your judgment of why you want to be in a relationship or what you want from one. Make sure any reasons you have are your own. If they happen to coincide with a specific episode of Sex in the City, then don’t necessarily disregard it as much as look deeper as to where that need or reason has originated. And not to sound too much like Dr. Phil, but that origin should always be you. Do not expect these reasons and needs to remain stagnant for the rest of your life once you have figured them out. As you go through relationships (more on this later), you will come to realize that you may want different things from them. This doesn’t make your initial reasons ‘wrong’ or less significant, but it is an integral part of the maturing process. These changes in values are what make each relationship so unique and beautiful if done with the right person.

Once you are reasonably sure of what your value system is, then I can’t stress enough how important it is to have them matched with your prospective partner before heading any further. Being in a relationship with someone with different values almost always results in someone being hurt in the long run. Talking things out in the open is a great way to get started in assessing a person. I mean bluntly asking, “Do you think you want a long term relationship?” or, “What’s your take on dating many people at once”. I fail to see why people are hesitant on cutting through all the crap at the possible start of a relationship. It’s as if they have already decided that they are going to be together, and the less they know, the higher the chances of them pulling it off. Sure, it will work for a couple of weeks. But one day when you come over to her place to surprise her with a rented DVD and some popcorn, and you see the place all set up for a candle light dinner and someone else sitting in your chair, and you realize that your invitation was probably not lost in the mail, all you’ll probably be left with is an emotional doggy bag full of “I thought you were ok with us seeing other people at the same time”. Not a pretty picture, I assure you.

There is, however, the issue of the less ‘enlightened’. Those who, even though you categorically state what you want from the relationship, will give you the ‘correct’ response just to be in it. First off, kudos for being able to mesmerize someone so completely. Secondly, in situations like this, you will have to go with your gut based on how the person’s actions coincide with their proclaimed values.

Honesty and openness are two often confused concepts. A lack of openness doesn’t imply being dishonest, and hence it’s not considered sufficiently wrong to avoid. The standard question associated with it is “what good will it do”. A better question to ask yourself is “why don’t I want to bring this out in the open”. Maybe because you know the other person involved will make a decision against your desires. A decision he probably deserves to make. But then again, is it about what you want, or what they deserve? This is the connection between openness and respect which many people fail to make. Once you realize this, and you see yourself not respecting your partner by giving them the right to an informed decision, you will realize that every time you hide something, you are making the relationship more and more of a sham. You are wasting your partner’s time as well as your own by convincing yourself you’re in a relationship which, in reality, might not deserve to exist. The whole attitude of ‘lets not deal with our problems today, so that when it snowballs into something worse later, no one will know’ deserves to be burnt-alive, shot, frozen, defrosted, served as a prisoner’s last meal and shot again. There will definitely be initial bitterness to deal with, but eventually it will lead to appreciation and maybe even respect. And you never know, there might not even be a breakup. In fact, incidents like this are what make the strongest of relationships. Life is not about avoiding all the shit in your way, but how you wade through it.